Friends, and other thoughts

At this point with so much happening, it made me realize how much I treasure face to face quality time with friends

Sometimes we meet up only once a year, every few months or sometimes every week(my cell) Nevertheless I treasure all of those times

Sometimes we meet up just to catch up, sometimes we meet up at my request, but either way it does not matter to me, because time together is still time together, whether is it a sharing time over a meal or some video games.

At some point in my life I want to look back and say I have been a friend as well, although from my perspective I have not been able to contribute much into anyone's life.

The friends who really stick are those that do not question when you need their help, they just lend a hand when required, I hope I can be one of those kind of friends eventually, bcos the irony is I always ask why, yet I do not like to answer "Why"questions.

Every time an act of mine is affirmed, it makes me feel happy, but the consequence of that act may not be one I actually wanted. to which I question:"what if I did not do this?,then things would not have turned out this way" but upon reflection, maybe I would have done it anyway, if the opportunity arose, but maybe could have handled it better(maybe not so aggressively? insistent? whiny?) who knows?

Every experience is what makes an individual's life, whether good or bad to gear up for another phase in life, but if lessons are not learned then I’m just at risk of going through the same issues of the past again.

Im back!

Yes Im back!:) and still very much alive. School's been mad lately. Life's mountain's just got higher. Forever and ever scaling a mountain that never ends.

Ever so delicate.
Will I ever not mess up? Will the end really justify the means?

Looking at a peak ever so high....

Mind that flows like a choked pipe.

Life's challenges will never end. The only time they do is if I'm dead. And even then..

Failure to rise above the flames. Seeking respite that I do not deserve.

I know little about what lays ahead of me yet I worry as I seek my future.

Admiration never ends. As I look at the world...

So much to type but unpieceable

Later....

Not easy

Sometimes people just dont understand why i want to be in control of my things. it feels horrible when something is done to help me but i didnt want it done in the 1st place. like this latest incident for example, the coaches gave me M size jersey tops, i didnt want to change them cos i didnt want to get into trouble with the coaches. but then mum had the green light from the coaches so she thought she would try on the Ms, but i want to take them with me and dont want other people to wear them so i told her but then she got angry. and then she brought up things like what would happen if i became successful and would think of throwing them out(family).

1. i never thought of that
2. i dont like to be a loner
3.this question has been posed so many times until im bored to answer.
4.its true that i want to be successful but im now just trying by society's standard to be. football was meant to be a hobby so when i felt that i didnt want to play anymore i stepped away. the national callup has made things different, but family doesnt believe that things will change. Step by step going thru the events that have changed my life.

1. football, i dreamt of becoming a national respresentative(just a few miles away from doing so
2. video games(wanted to be part of gaming industry, never worked out cos the idea is there but the execution isnt
3. writing/speaking I like to do the talking part more, but if i overdid it people wouldnt listen anyway, so that as a career is out(not like some inspiring thing i can share with people anyway. writing is just writing, if i can write i write, i do wanna finish my autobiography(the real one)
4. card games(TCGs)so close yet so far from building a career with that, No money, no feasible location, even with Dad's backing, if the rest dont support what can i do? i wanted to do the shop so that i had people to play with, and now i have no one i ca play with IRL. then how? shelved too.
5.Misc* voice acting, reading to kids at the CCs, even gambling, all come to mind.

I know i am fortunate to have parents around to support me, but sometimes i wish that things i want to do myself they can allow me to try(which was what dad did, to be fair)

But whats the bottom line here? to them its always that piece of paper.(i despise that thinking) because I feel that if not for that requirement, a lot of people out there(not only me, can do well)

Now that there's so many things but no fixed goal, i do not know what to do, so i just sink myself into a pit of self created happiness(thats the only way i can think of to make myself go on each day, and to have damage limitation as well) I have been trying and its extremely hard, not to explode, even those explosions and crying fits(not epileptic) i have been having can be considered very minor, maybe when i start fighting(like then i did with dad) maybe thats when some of the real explosions actually happen.

Every couple of moments im on my own or with a crowd, i always tell myself"just keep it all in" dont let it out otherwise things wont be good, but even so, those fights and quarrels happen. Dont blame me, i have to let off steam too.

My family doesnt know to what extent of insecurity of the future i actually feel,even though they think they do, which sucks. thats why mm always reinforces her fears that i would kick them aside, but i know i wouldnt, cos of something Jengting said that served as a reminder." if i were to step out of church where else can i go?" same with family, but they dont realize how much they mean to me.

I do not know when the volcano will erupt to its fullest, but what i do know is that i have to control what i can, which is limiting that volcano for as much as i can.

Recently..

Recently i have suddenly been so busy i feel like im in school again, except my work happens all over the place rather than a classroom. Walked the whole of dover and clementi and back to earn $6. is this what it means to be working? well for now i'm not under pressure so its fine but when it gets tough i hope i can hang on.these past 3 months have been so hectic for someone like me who has dropped off work for so long, really feels like school, wake early, work, afternoon nap, meal, slack, sleep... over and over.

One thing which i never fail not to do, even after i met that old lady at meiling yesterday, was not talking... no idea why but i just cant stop getting involved. asking questions, needing answers.and just being part of the whole thing, sometimes when someone is around, just keep talking....

overall, I thank God for the free food at 38 before service and the dinner at TBP after that, I guess it's adjusting after purple plate moves... and for the strength to walk distances i never thought i could. Though I still need to learn the EQ part.... learn the trust and believe in God and in people and not feel irritated or make them feel irritated.

Selling my Vanguard Cards

as above. All commons.

This game is only a few months old and I'm new to it too.

hoping that more people will play so i have more to play with:)

Growing up

I haven't blogged for awhile and decided to do so after encountering a few obstacles in my life recently

From my family's point of view, having a job(right, everyone would think this way) having a family(WTH!) and having the responsibility to take care of your parents(fair enough) is proof that a person has grown up,

Maybe I hit 21 too soon, b'cos I haven't gone anywhere to be able to do any of that. it's better to be 10 years younger yeah? but time never reverses....

After all this while I have sill not been able to cope with living in this world as everyone else does, and what i mean by that is to, be able to do the above,but before that, taking care of individual basic needs.

Having these, which probably only 0.1% at most that the world's population has. doesnt help:
1.Photoaugliaphobia- Fear of glaring lights.
2.Photophobia- Fear of light.
3.Phonophobia- Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
4.Ligyrophobia- Fear of loud noises
5.Acousticophobia- Fear of noise


The last one mentioned seems to be my main phobia(loud or soft irregardless) When it first happened, i started wearing earplugs(eventually 24/7) from 2005-2007, but somehow after Joan Hunter's( amazing thing is i didnt even go for prayer that day) service on the 30 January 2007 I just knew , wearing EPs just wouldn't work. so I've been off earplugs since(still once in awhile if it gets too loud though,so it isnt exactly out of my system:(


What's worse, 3,4 and 5 came together, but 1 and 2 only after I took off the EPs. Up to now, it doesn't make sense why this would happen, but it has.


Being in this pile of cr** makes it real hard even 4 years down to explain my actions(or non actions) sometimes.


It's good to let it all out. I think I'm done for now.....


PS: Issac has left the building, but Ivan still remains, dunno why, but i just thought the switch back seemed more appropriate.

messed up!

I'm giving up! on practically everything! education is over! almost everything is! How recognized are qualifications if i don't have an O level full cert? Where can I go without one? You know you are wrong when everyone agrees on something that you don't. but the question is, do people think its so easy to change? easy to overcome? I would be super happy if everything was able to do with a snap of my fingers. I still cant get over my body,visual and audio hypersensitivity which everyone says its because i cant control my emotions. know what? I'm very in control of my emotions yet i still cant overcome my problem, lame!

And now because I have an intercom in my room, I cant make an audible sound as long as people are around if not the intercom will make my dad panic...

not planing for future? dunno how to look ahead? better learn to care for yourself first before caring for others. don't make people worry for you, supposed to be older take care of the younger not the other way around.

These sentences or in similar form have been said to many many times..

You think its easy for me huh? its true that everyone has his own problems,im no exception+i have an issue probably only 1 percent of the world's population has,correction, below one percent. people who know me will know what it is. who doesn't and wants to know can just come and ask me.

whatever!.....

this week

So it happened, i went down to meridian JC on friday and got a run out, had a single touch of the ball and that was it. Until the interview came, then that was a whole different story, I spent the whole day on the sidelines bar the last few minutes of the 11 a side game. Now i'm"famous" but some people don't realize how hard it is to cope with when u are in that position, the added pressure to perform after all that publicity. Nevertheless, I would like to thank the coaches and panel for giving me a chance to play. Hats off to Fandi,Aide and Nasri for the opportunity and Coach Zai for the interview opportunity as well, And to Dillenjit(sorry if i got your name wrong) for the well written article, learning opportunities for both of us. And the SDSC soccer guys( i wouldn't have a team to play for without you guys).

Onward to the next tryout!

Regards

Ivan

PS: It's page 44 of 19 September's The New Paper(Singapore) for anyone who wants to see me at my "best" lol.:D

my thoughts

soon after my latest blog entry came out, an article about Dr, William Tan and his"girlfriend" came out. Last night at dinner I had my dad tell me that if someone is nice to me it doesnt mean she fancies me. I go "WTH". so i found out my mum told my dad that Im starting to like girls. Again i go "WTH" i mean honestly, i started liking girls at 6 years of age! Also if at my age I didnt like girls, I think my parents should get worried...

Anyway, I guess what I'm going though now is frustration. I'm seriously frustrated man! Not frustrated because I felt I lost a chance with the girl, but more frustrated that I was misunderstood and lost a friend just like that.

Maybe....

Maybe: its easier
to say hello than goodbye
to say "have you eaten?" rather than"do you want to eat?
to shut up than to talk
to be asked rather than ask.
to sleep than to wake up(lazy!)
to talk rubbish than talk sense.
to say yes rather than say no.
to reject rather than accept

And the best of them all!

to die rather than to live!

sadness

The person who i want to read this wont be reading this because the person deleted me off facebook(and has no reason to come here either, so im free to air my feelings without holding back.

For the first time in my life, i wrote a girl a letter, telling her that she was beautiful and that i was thinking of her(amongst other things i cant remember). I didnt realize that that letter would have such a negative effect on our friendship(or what now is our"ex-friendship") Later on, she asked for some space between us, so I have been avoiding her(just as she requested). I never knew that losing a friend hurt so much. ( I would be lying if i said i never felt for her, but thats not important now is it?)

I just hope that time really heals all wounds.

today...

woke up at 1(or was it 2pm:p)
took mrt,then the bus.:)
I washed my clothes(the last time i did it was b4 CNY!stinky!)
I downed 3 cans of isotonic drink.
I ate 3 mini hotdogs,chicken rice(dinner) and udong(lunch)
formed a blister on my little toe due to boots(while playing soccer), missed at least 3 shots on the goalline!:(. and learned that sometimes taking the time to turn then pass is better than going for the "spectacular" backheel.:)
listened to RPGCast Episode 107 and 108(listening now.)

a week of firsts!

this week was a week of firsts for me

I got my 1st significant qualification recognized for a job(B3 for O level english)
I closed my first deal since I started trying to do an e-business(with much help from my cousin no less, thanks Jim)
I got a PS2 as a birthday present/reward for my O level results,T&Cs apply.*also considered a first.

Im sure there are more, just that I cant think of any now.

And before I forget.

I'll to thank the following people for letting my dream of getting a PS2 come true

for my grades: my mum,and tutor Elizabeth
for the PS2 and its setting up:dad,mum, Auntie Anna(Da Gugu) and Uncle Chan.

And the most important person of course. GOD!

O levels

Results just came out 15 minutes ago! B3! YEAH MAN!

Life

how long has it been since i lasted posted? at least 3 mths bah. Life is so funny, one minute u are in heaven on earth the next ur world comes crashing down. ONE Camp is over!:( I killed a moth there too!( the younger kids thot i had the "killing touch" or smth,while the older ones advised me to get the remnants off asap to prevent poisoning. Camp rocked! A round of applause for everyone involved in it(campers,camp comm and pastors). I still dunno how come pple say i encourage them. I mean i cant even push myself to fight on sometimes,yet somehow my words still encourage pple.

Tributes to the following(in no particular order) :
Flo( for keeping a smile on ur face all the time,makes me wanna smile too)
Jasmin( for always being there when I needed you)
Marcus Cheong(for closing two eyes to the rules during human tic tac toe and allowing the game to flow even though it isnt right)
Ronald( for always wanting to help me be as comfortable as possible)
The Oh Brothers(Leonard and Joel, for helping me out with my computer issues,proves how much of a dud i am at it.)
The Uni Cells( for being open to this noisy fellow having dinner with them after service)
Baoren( for staying with me when i shi**ed in my pants at camp, and up the bus too  when i had a headache)
Chris Yang(thanks for the shorts)
Guys on the bus to henderson(thanks for keeping the noise at a reasonable level when requested.)
Serratus and TORSO!(thanks guys for standing by me during camp)
And all of my other buddies from church(close or far away).

THANKS TO YOU ALL! FOR EVERYTHING! PAST,PRESENT AND FUTURE! You guys make my life worth living for!:D

And of course..... GOD! for providing you all!

Thank You God!

The month that was- August

I took the O levels oral exam this month. Prior to the exam, i did something normal examinees wouldnt do. I was watching power rangers for a few days in a row. Seems routine now(not a good thing) but again I couldnt sleep the whole night on the day of the exam. Dissidia is out!(update: 1 sep. started playing it today, more fun than i thought, even in a sense addictive:)

Apart from this, there really isnt much to type about. Expect I just missed the most important thing. Thank God, bcos my panic attacks came back this month but the new medicine the doc gave put it under control.

the week that was 5-13 july

I wanted 2 do a psp fast but after a week that went up in smoke so i look back and think maybe it was more of a self control week.

I got the cake for this month's birthdays too early, even grace said so( in fact she was the only one that said that) but then i was just wanting to get it done early. turns out a change of plans meant my cake was redundant. Fortunately big ben took it back home, if not i wouldnt know what 2 do with it.

Went to NYNY y'day 2 celebrate josh's bdae, nearly spoiled the surprise when i msged the man himself thinking that he knew, fortunately big ben and the rest took it as an oversight.

Saw uncle phua as well. turns out life in etc is quite interesting. He wanted me 2 pray 4 him 2 get taller( dun understand y tall pple wanna get taller). At 1st i didnt want 2 but as a parting"gift" u juz said a few words.

Its up to u now .God....

Felt so left out after dinner bcos i had nothing 2 share( both the dinner food and talkwise).

NYNY isnt actually as ex as i thot it wld be, which is a gd thing. haha

The week that was(22-28 june)

Events that have happened this week proves how behind my peers I am.

I went to tbp to register for some writing class( o lvls prac) on tuesday, got rejected by the 1st centre I went to, no surprise that the recep was surprised at my age taking O'
On wednesday afternoon, I got a shock by the toliet flush, YES a toliet flush. somehow I couldnt take the sudden noise that came when I flushed. Up to now it still affects me abit.

On thursday evening went for a walk, fortunately it was the straight path this time.

On friday night, my body proved it couldnt take it anymore and I blew up, second attack in 8 days.

Yesterday abigail got married.Almost couldnt recognise her without the glasses. We werent that close anyway but I expected myself to do better. She was beautiful( managed to squeeze out that word while standing there stoned). a totally different person from the one i knew more than a decade ago.

I have the class today,postponed from thursday. but im gonna miss the show"are you smarter than a 5th grader?":(.

I cant seem to kick out of my comfort zone entirely, anytime I feel better and wanna help pple, something bad happens to deter me from doing so. Thankfully I have good frens who are always ready to help out when i need them, but when can i finally let go? in 2007 (my best year post 2005) I thot I cld finally live normal again, but it seems not to be yet:(

School of Supernatural Ministry(and other things)

Summary:

Week 1 with Pastor Kris was good but was pretty passive. I wrote a note to him bcos i knew my behaviour during his sessions were less than presentable. Week 1 has given me a slight confidence boost on speaking over pple.

Like he would say: that's a good word right there:D.

Week 2 with the Dedmons and Joaquin Evans just ended today. Love them bcos they are messy when they speak, abit like me!, but at least they get their points across properly, while I don't. But i'm still not laughing proper:(. Love the laughing sessions, I feel everyone needs pple like them bcos of their gift to laugh.

I want to go to Bethel.

Remarks: So what if I look like a clown when I do stuff, I dont really care, as long as I get my point across. Just realized some things are not worth explaining. Pple stop me from laughing? I dun understand. Joy was the theme of the 1st 10 years of my life. Trying so hard to bring it back and im being stopped?!

My spirit isnt a spirit of perseverance, its a spirit of stupid everything!

Thoughts on the Champions League Final

I just saw the highlights of the final.

1) Valdes had only 1 save to make all match, really tells the story about Man U strikeforce
2) Ronaldo was not only Man U's best player. He seemed to be the only one.
3) The 1st Barca goal should not have gone in, and would not have if it was classic VDS in goal

tale of the 2 snakes

Recently, I had this dream where I was crossing a drain with my parents, not your regular drain but a huge one, the size of several drains in one. My dad crossed with no issues, then my mum crossed,I was beside her and suddenly, a creature appeared(a cross between a croc,lizard and a snake.) Strangely enough, even tho the creature was just"over there doing nothing", my mum started freaking out.

Just yesterday, I had a similar dream, I was part of a sort of a "snake" game( like the ones on handphones), A group of my friends and I were together when we saw the snake. The snake started small and we started renouncing the snake as a group.

One by one, my friends got eaten up and the snake got bigger. I was the last, so by the time it came at me, it's size was beyond epic proportions(ok,maybe not). However, before it could set its teeth on me, I woke up.

Open to interpretation, so anyone free enough to do so, plz kindly do.

Thx

Regards

Ivan

cheap and good western food( n curry)

On sunday, my parents and I decided to go to the western food pl which my dad claimed was more than juz value for money, it was also money for value. ok so that was lame(he didnt exactly say that). Anw im not really an outdoor person so I initially didnt wanna go(of cos eventually I did) and the trip was defi worth it. I had hickory bbq chicken while my dad had some beef set(both S$5.90 and mum took salmon(S$6.50). Each set came with two free sides too!(had two rounds of onion rings:)).

Verdict:9.5/10(the .5 deduction is because they didn't give sauces to go with the servings, Had to go take it ourselves.) Service was good. The food came much earlier then the estimated time.(they said 30 mins, it arrived within 10).

My dad had decided that since we went all the way to serangoon, we shld enjoy ourselves abit more so he went to order another beef item,unfortunately,by then the queue had gotten too long so he reconsidered and we decided to go across the road to try the curry.

The second round of food didnt seem to be as worth it as the 1st. $4 for a medium-sized bowl of curry and bread. Could have been cheaper, but nevertheless the curry was good, so not much to complain about.

Verdict 7.5/10(Cost and size of serving factor into the point deductions).

Overall 16/20

Would I recommend anyone to go there? Yes,but just for the western food,skip the curry unless you feel like eating some more.

My two pence worth on sunday's dinner out.

Tribute to the church

As the year comes to an end(13 days to my doc's appointment,23 days to Christmas,26 days to camp) and 29 days to January 2009, I would like to use this time, and post my public thanks to,

In no particular order:

Have helped me to understand the Bible better(Rachel and Gim Yong)

As a group helped me to adapt to church, and bearing with me and all my c**p(Phileo)

The whole youth ministry's pastors and leaders.

My cell leaders(former and current) Seah and Kok Hong for helping me adapt to cell

a person i consider a very good friend(am i even worthy?) that i can open my heart to to a certain extent: Jasmin(thanks for lending a ear to all my grouses), a friend that always seems to be there when i need one.

to all who have remembered me when I returned after 2 years away.(Moses,Zachary and many others, you know who you are), up to now i apologize that i do not know some of you who know me.

To all who made my camp life as comfortable as possible(I didnt how to appreciate one of the best rooms in the nus campus):(

And to all who i have left uncredited, I apologize.(too many of u lah)

Thank you all for helping me to live in church a life as normal as possible.

Last and Most of all.

THANK GOD FOR SENDING YOU ALL!:)

Roundup of the closing of Sep.

As Sep closes, this mth will b remembered 4 me:

1.having 2 attacks in 3 weeks

2. having my left hand jammed in between 2 auto doors.

3.managing 2 get my right index finger n left middle finger(at diff times but at the same place within 24 hrs of each other) injured bcos i knocked into a plastic hanger by accident at my house.( btw,i juz hit it lightly).

4. getting more sensitive 2 sounds n movements(I'm remedying that tho. Thank God.)

5. knowing my limits and (sometimes) trying 2 break them, but rarely successful.

6. going on a comments spree on facebook.

And finally, realizing how screwed up my life is and moving(slowly)but still moving 2 change that as well.

Closing notes: A few days ago,my mum read 2 me a book by Pastor Henry W. Wright. Of cos she didnt read thewhole thing,but anyway, after she read it, I saw this words which i believe were from God(Pharaoh,Moses,The Ten Plagues and Hardened Heart.) KH told me his interpretation of these words,but if any1 out there would like enlighten me more wif their interpretation, go ahead n do so in the"comments" section.

Thanks.

Roundup of the "major" events for "the week that was" 15 Sep-20 Sep

Tuesday 16 Sep

Went 2 c the doc. The visit was a lil longer this time. Keppra was eased off bcos of the(possible) aggravation of the side effects that i had suffered for so long. Added on Clobazam,also known as Frisium(I cun find it anywhere on Drugs.com) Apparently its a banned drugs in certain countries.

Thursday

Went back 2 office 2day. Feeling that the med withdrawal actually works but Frisium doesnt really help much.

Saturday.

Went for prayer walk arnd SPD and grace's sch(La'salles). wun really elaborate bcos there were certain sensitive issues brought up. Hung arnd grace's place till abt 530,then kh drove the grp 2 church. He cldnt go bcos of a prior appointment.

It was Baptism svc and being there alone reminded me of what happened during my own baptism last yr. That nite was pretty amusing.

Pastor Michael Ross Watson Rocks! He shld try out writing songs 4 da church. He preached using Revelations 1. Was surprised 2 know that he ever rode a motorbike and played football wif his best pants on. "Son of the King".He sure deserves that title 4 all that he has done in his life n others'.

Went 4 dinner ltr on. Officially separated from ben's side. So sad. He cldnt accept the word "separate" so I had 2 use "individualise" instead.

Today I saw leonard(joe's bro) smile for the 1st time. It wasnt flashy but was a solid straight smile. After dinner, joe,leonard n i chatted 4 quite awhile abt computers and stuff, was a very interesting conversation.

As we were abt 2 finish up n leave, ronald voiced that he "cldnt say anything" bcos he didnt know much abt comps,juz abt how 2 use them. It reminded me of the feeling that i felt as well previously(sometimes still feel it) that every1 was in sch but i wasnt, so they had common topics 2 talk abt,while i juz stoned over at my seat.

It made me realize how sometimes pple can feel so left out, after all I 've gone thru it b4. My consolation 2 ronald was there if every1 knew their computers inside out, comps technicians wld b out of a job. Dunno whether that was really much of a consolation tho.

Roundup(8-14 Sept)

Monday and Tuesday

Went 2 work as per normal. IC3 classes have started End of story

Wednesday and Thursday

Took these 2 days off End of story

Friday

Pulai Springs here I come! Off again 2day but its bcos im going on a prearranged family holiday. There were supposed 2 be 28 of us but 2 of the families couldnt make it(4+4). so all available members went.(by coach too!).

Hit the meeting place abt 12 with uncle harry n family. My dad insisted on opening the shop so he remained bhind n came later,so did my mum. My sis cld have cum wif us but nt enuff space in the cab,haha. We left 4 the resort at abt 215.

Went by Second Link,so there wasnt much hassle getting thru customs. Maybe I wasnt used 2 it or something but i started feeling ill(no, not fever but maybe flu,bottomline,not physical aliments). Hit the resort abt 4pm and napped til abt 6.

Dinner destination was supp 2 b some chinese restaurant famous 4 their peking duck n they said we didnt need 2 book in advance 2. But when we reached there, there was oredi a prior booking 4 a wedding. sian.(advice 2 pple out there,next time book 1st 2 make sure that u have ur places secured,even if they said there's no need 2 book).

Anyway they told us that we could sit outside,but hey,who in the right mind wld wanna sit outside when u cld b inside enjoying the aircon. My godma(the transport ic) was pretty upset and no wonder. Eventually they spotted this mall called Sutera n decided 2 try there.

My mum(who was the treater of dinner for the day) managed 2 find this japanese resturant n we were designated a small room. Skipping the food details, all the food bar one type was worth the cash. And 2 think that it was the "Recommendation of the day". We(especially my nephew Kenzie),wanted soft shell crab but we were recommended 2 have mini crabs, which on 1st sight cld have looked like something out of a kid's toy box. The 2nd worst part? They were totally tasteless. The worst part? for an order of 15 of those, it cost 75 ringgits!(for those math whizs,it means 5 ringgits per piece,or abt 2-3 bucks Sing dollars). Kenzie was so upset abt nt getting the soft shell crabs that he hardly ate any more after that. The bill totalled 787 ringgits or abt 350-400 Sing dollars which isnt actually very costly 4 a 20-person meal, but cld have been cheaper if not 4 the crabs.

We separated 4 shopping time after that and at about 930 left the mall. Played abit more of Taboo(game similar 2 charades) n then retired 2 the individual family rooms(Uncle Harry n my family had 2-room suites while my cuzins n godparents stayed in a 4-room 2gether(in case u wanted 2 know y, its bcos thats was an very gd offer on the 4-rooms, Also 4 those who dunno how 2 read a family tree,haha,my godparents(they r my auntie n uncle actually, but i dun call them that) r the parents of my cuzins n the grandparents of my nephew n nieces).

View pics at

http://pulaispring2008.tripod.com/

Cheers!

Review :1 Sep-7 Sep

What a week!
1 Sep

Today I went 2 work as per normal. End of story

2-5 Sep

Tuesday

2day I took the day off bcos wasnt feeling 2 well. Nth much 2 say.

Wednesday

Off again 2day and I was 2 find out that it was the right choice. Had a seizure after i slipped on the wet flr at hm at abt 9pm. Ran on abt 8 mins according 2 dad. I realized that i was pretty scared of almost everything arnd me n the fear was 1 of the factors that caused it.

Thurs-Fri

Due 2 the fit,I took tis 2 days off. Fear was still there but i felt better. At least I didnt feel crying
wrenching pain. Yes my head was that painful. I have had post-fit headaches but this was the 1st time i cried bcos of it.

Sat

I hit church abt 330 2day. Cell was quite messy 2day n pretty much stop-start. I screwed up n nearly didnt have anything 2 eat b4 9. I dunno what i was thinking then,but when i felt i cldnt go 4 communion,I told joe 2 do it in proxy 4 me. (Sorry joe 4 putting u in a spot n it was ur 1st time too.)I went 2 take it anyway. Super freaked that i wld drop halfway thru but Thank God I didnt. When the svc ended, Ronald went up 4 altar-call n aft advice frm ben's side(cant believe i still call them that.), the cell decided 2 go in force 2 support him. I still wasnt feeling 2 well but i went anyway. When u go 2 bless pple,usually u wanna spread the gd omens 2 others but in my case,all i felt was freakin' fear. Look at it tis way, my turn at altar-call came aft him even tho i didnt go 4 it. I was extremely subdued and onli managed 2 squeeze out the basic words like:(follow me,say this so i followed. It was after much hesitation, i muz add) n didnt say anything much else.

On a final note I wld like 2 thank all members of the ex phileo 4 all they did last sat,including delaying their dinner. I admit that I may need help again in the future n u r always there. Thanx guys.

Muz oso remind myself 2 look up. Problem is, the only way i can actually look up without "force" is when im on my bed staring at the ceiling(when i lie down have 2 bend head to look at feet ma) Muz learn 2 do more of the same standing up.

Updated:

Tuesday

Im still freaked, unable 2 do anything at work. Hopefully i will feel btr when i go 2 pulai springs starting fri-mon.

" they say at weddings" i give u this ring as a pledge of my love" Fortunately for Christians,we dunnit a ring,juz a pledge"

I have a dream.....

Dreams....

What a strange thing!

Some pple believe in them but some don't. Some even scoff at the thot of others having dreams,but can they truthfully say that they they haven't had a single dream in their life? Unless that person is a day old of cos, then they can say so.

Some pple believe that dreams happen when ur subconciousness take over,most of the time when u r slping. The dreams r images of ur innermost thots,some that u nvr thot u had. Others believe that a certain dream that u had cld bcos that person is thinking of u. Still there r some that believe that dreams r the opposite of reality. That one i acccept bcos that is no argument 2 b made. But i think the 1st theory is more applicable. I dare say that i have dreamt of a lot of "stars", sports and tv personalities. Does that means they are thinking of me? i dun think so.:)

However the dreams i have been having these past 2-3 wks have led me
to believe that some claims made by pple in the papers may be more true than false.

Like a few days ago when tnp(The New Paper) reported that in parts of malaysia, residents(usually the older ones) claim that they found pure gold. 1 of them even claimed 2 have dreamed of that location, and i believe him.

Recently i have had dreams of scenes that would make a good script on a tv show.Masked Rider Ryuki anyone? Or a drama? The scenario? I dreamt of a family. The father was a hourly paid worker while the mother stayed by her son's side. The son was heavily sick. Always in hospital. One day after he(the father) visited his son,the minute he stepped out of the ward,he slumped to the floor and started crying bcos he knew that money had run dry paying 4 the hospital bills.

He remembered always quarreling wif his wife bcos there was no money and he felt that she shld go get a job and also felt that she was focusing on their son 2 much. The mother on the other hand felt that putting her's son welfare was much more impt than any other thing.

The dreams aside, I have always thot that as the points of others abt dreams are valid(not 2 say that i believe all of it) I wld like 2 add a few of my own.

I 4 1 believe that ur environment and what u do daily also affects what u dream abt at nite.

One example, Power Rangers was(and still is) one of my fav shows of all time. I used to watch and rewatch n rewatch and rewind the vcds i had nonstop(up to a point my family got irritated) and then at nite i wld dream that i was one of them. bcos i cldnt stop thinking abt them.

Up to now, almost daily i wld hum the MMPR theme silently(even now as im typing this,can u believe that im thinking abt MMPR now?)

It's nearly 1am now and im off 2 bed. Sayonara, oyasumi( gd nite)

Maybe I will have dreams again 2nite, but that's another story

Til then gd bye and gdnite

Control. and my way of management.

This week everything at work was as per normal but then the flashbacks i had last mth came back again. Yesterday I had it so hard that I had such a bad headache all way thru the nite til abt 3 am when i slept.

Sometimes I ask myself y im having this flashbacks but then there's isnt really anything to think abt at all. My way to handle headaches is very unconventional. Playing video games to distract myself frm pain is my way,same with the dizzy spells that im having.

When I tell pple how i feel then obviously its hard to believe. its the same when i told boss(kh) that i could tell whether he was sick by looking at his hair. I know that having these are a knack not a gift. Just like telling the weather. Thats y this sucks! Sometimes its laziness but sometime even I cant tell the diff myself. Also yesterday I was going on 1 on my tirades again. When I look back, at least it was 4 amusement. I know sometimes this think isnt christianlike but today I was wondering(again) y I wasnt going thru 1 of my screaming and swearing moments. Ever since I went to secondary school, i was exposed to the world of cussing and swearing and 4 a while I did cuss and swear think it was right. 1 of my worst moments was when i spewed a vulgarity in front of my nephew 5 years ago when he was juz 7.

When I ask pple 4 advice on how 2 relive stress and pressure,most of the time its to scream out as loud as possible to release all of it but when i try to do it in my "normal" non agitated state,I cant seem to bring the power out but when I was quarreling with my mum a while back then its juz came out then I started screaming til I had no more energy. That's y im surprised abt how much im able to control myself now compared to last time and sometimes I even ask myself whether i shld control.

Another qn i've been asking myself is when I look at pple at say"have u gone nuts?" I ask myself whether im actually the 1 losing it.

week(11-15 Aug) recap

11,12 Aug

These 2 days was as per normal at work except i was having splitting headaches and dizzy spells
and also having funny dreams at night(tv commercial abt saving water bcos singapore was running out,A big dog and the modern day prodigal son) Go figure.

13-14 Aug

These 2 days I took off. splitting headaches and dizzy spells still lingered. but at least no more funny dreams.

15 Aug

Went back 2 work 2day. Finally managed to finish my vlookup assignments after figuring out the "trick". 2day 2 new trialists came in 4 assessments bring the number of trialist 2 3 in the week.
Went 4 jpl prayer meeting at 7 n no regrets going there altho i was stoning 4 most of the time.

I think the turning point(wake up call) 4 me was when suddenly there was a blackout. at 1st i thot it was intentional bcos at that time ps jenn was talkin abt being "lights" in the darkness but she believed otherwise. Also I found out 2 weeks ago that there was also a blackout when the biblical studies program class was in progress,so whether the blackout was an accident or was God involved is still a mystery.

When do we not fear God?

Saturday 9 August(National Day)

Today I woke up at half past 1(1.30pm for those who prefer numbers).
At 2.45 I left hm with family for church. Hit church arnd 3.05.

Chris was there doing guitar despite his broken shoulder. Talk abt dedication. Worship was a lil extended 2day. But in my view, time doesn't matter when u r in sync with God. cell session was a recap on the 5Es session we did last week. Early on,there was a brainstorming sessionon how 2 improve on our last E,which was Evangalism. there were a total of 11 points for improvement that we managed to find after which we had 2 compact it to 5 points which were as follows:
1.Willingly follow God
2.To know God intimately
3.LOVE GOD
4.Die to self
5.The Great Commission

Apart from the last point,i think the other r easily understood.

Moving on...

Last part of cell was to reflect on the times when we dont fear God and it was harder 2 do than I thot. But I managed to scrape two out of which one i will elaborate on.
I realized that I dont fear God when I tell white("good") lies.
I know that the bracketed words look ridiculous but its true.

I believed that if u lie without causing any trouble then it wld b fine and that those lies would be considered "good" and I know that its a mentality I will have to change.

Sometimes when I want 2 dodge a topic or dun wanna drag it on,then I will unconciously lie,and that is despite the fact that a lot of pple have told me that im very honest with what i say.(I think what they really mean is that im very open-minded)

I was also very hesitant when we went onto the topic of accountability bcos in my case I believed (and still do) that there r some things u need 2 handle alone.

recap(4-8 aug) part 2

part 2 of my recap

Due to tuesday's incident I decided that i wld take another day off. nothing much to say except that i was really slack on that day.

Thursday

Today I went to see the new doc at sgh,and it turned out to be one of my shortest 1st visits ever to a doc.

A sample of what we talked about:

Doc: So Ivan,any fits since discharge?
*(I was admitted for fits on the 29th of june and discharged a few days later)

Me: no.

D:any fits in july?

M:No

D:Good,then let stick to what u have been taking

M:ok

And then he prescribed FOUR month's worth of medication. Was really surprised bcos usually my docs' visits are once a mth. Anyway after taking lunch and medicine from the pharmacy and then seeing the social worker,my mum and I left the hosp.

On the way hm I wasnt feeling 2 well but managed to get there anyway:)

My dad and mum then went for her pre-birthday dinner hosted by the cell( btw,parents' cell not mine)

I wasnt shortchanged either on what i was going to eat as i would soon find out when Jie came back abt 8-9. She had bought a box of sushi!(8pcs for 3.50) yoz! usually I dun eat sushi so often(I had mine last abt a week ago)but I took a share anyway,half of the box! no kidding.The cheapest and the best sushi I've ever eaten in my life!(well at least till my next one anyway haha.)

The end

Pls leave a comment of some sort.(pls comment on my older posts while u r at it)

I know this seems 2 be a very boring blog but I want 2 know how pple view my life.

Many thanks to those who have read it and also to those who will.

Ivan

recap(4-8 aug) part 1

When I read my blog over i realized that i had gone over double figs oredi and its only august

Record-breaker man!

So another recap coming up

Monday

I went to work as per norm so not much to say really... except I was told again that i shld work faster

Tuesday

Took a day off bcos i was a lil down over my supp's comments abt my workrate. went arnd the net and msn 4 advice on how 2 improve in that aspect.
After awhile i lost interest so i decided to slack. At abt 8 i left for ry's pl 4 seah's birthday(kh said no dress code so instead i chose by colour,went all black.)

Didnt feel like eating when i reached there but ate some anyway. chatted abit with the cell(whole phileo was there wif exception of a few) and had some photos taken.

Towards the end I chatted with a few others and got 2 know a few more pple by name and some by face.

Arnd 10 after talking some more I started not to feel so well,unfortunately that was also when ronald decided to pop the balloons:( So it aggravated my condition a lil and i started feeling a fit coming on but thanks to prayer from ryan and the rest arnd and a lil(juz a lil) faith,once again it came it left immediately without manifesting(apart from some minor vibrations). Thank God. Nevertheless Ronald was very apologetic for his actions but I have since(and still will if needed)
reassured him that it wasnt his fault it happened.

Part 1 end.

Recap Part 3-2

Cont'd

this started a long discussion that lasted til abt the time cell ended, abt half hr.

However when cell ended I started having fear again(the fear came after the fit left,but didnt affect me so much)so I had to have benny and kh help me to church.After that they went for service while I went back to the car for a rest. I was encouraged to go back since I kept saying that I wasnt feeling well and sensitivity lvls were pretty high. But anyway I chose to rest in the veh and aft a while i went in 4 the remainder of svc since i was feeling a lil btr.

I didnt really focus on anything said during svc except the funny parts like the bike demo. If ps Jen could really "juz fall down and go to the hospital",i wld sure love to c that. I left svc immediately after it was over and went home.

I have decided not to recap sunday,so this is it.

The End

hahaha

Note: for those pple who hate reading pls read 3-1 b4 u read this.
haha:)

Recap Part 3-1

Saturday 2 August

I woke at lunchtime today after some pushing(literally) by my mum to get up. It's the wkend man. Let me slp!

Anyway so then i went to church arnd 2 plus. Ben Yuan was a visiting member 2day. Was surprised to see him there. we had some gd input frm him. Halfway thru worship,suddenly I felt a seizure coming. But thank God! It came n left b4 it cld manifest. A day to remember! Bcos this was only the second time it left wifout doing anything and unlike the 1st time it happened,this time i didnt even do anything(was juz on the ground resting). Cell was very helpful. They(grace continued playing the guitar,tho im sure she was praying in a way.) prayed and continued praying til i picked myself up. I was juz laughing and cldnt stop bcos i knew that something extraordinary had juz happened. God took control and it left. awhile later KH asked me whether i wanted a pillow bcos i told him i was tired. God provides,doesnt he? KH came back with not a pillow but something more like a BED. Talk abt Jehovah Jireh and this is the perfect example bcos i was overprovided with something which i didnt think i wld need but still had.
Soon after we did a "purpose of a cell" activity. I didnt write anything unlike the rest but I did some mouthwork. (yes I juz talked my way thru the whole thing,haha) anyway it turned out that our cell found out that Evangelism was the last thing that we were doing or even thinking of doing. Even Benny thot so based on his impressions.

Recap Part 2

Thursday 31th July

Today I went to work,but its not that simple bcos i knew if i didnt go today i probably wouldnt go the next day. I went, but did next to nth with the 2 hrs ispent at work,except after some fiddling arnd i managed to finish exercise 2 on vlookup. Up to now i still dunno how i did it.haha:)

at abt 4-5 plus i left office bcos again i wasnt feeling too well. Usually i stay overtime to slack in the a/c rm and spend time in front of the com there.

Friday 1 August

I didnt go to work 2day even tho i was well. Y? bcos i felt that my head needed some clearing up and i needed some time by myself. I also picked up my bible for the 1st time in like 2 yrs and started reading juz starting with Genesis,no particular reference.

Mr Yeo's bdae is 2day. Happy Birthday Dennis!

Recap Part 1

Today i will blog diff. instead of juz throwing in my feelings and thots,i will do a recap of the week started 28 July in 2 parts starting with Monday-Wednesday,then Thursday and Friday n then the weekend will be part 3.

So 28th July Monday.

today i went to work as per normal,but felt sick towards the end

Tuesday-Wednesday
I took a break these 2 days bcos of issues in the mind. Read my "Memories"entry to know more.

Nothing much happened these 2 days except i was struggling with memories flowing back over n over.

Memories

Some people think that having a fabulous memory is a good thing. But I'm here to tell those pple that you are totally WRONG! Why? Because memories exist as good and bad,which means you dun have a choice to choose the memories that u wanna keep. Today was a very good example. I wasnt feeling very good in the early hours of the night,so I msged my cell leader to get my cell to pray. Problem was when I said cell,I meant the cell that existed b4 we split abt a mth back,so we had a lil conflict abt that bcos I had forgotten/remembered(delete where necessary) that our cell was no longer 2gether/that we had multiplied(Again,delete where necessary). Then my head started aching bcos everything was being remembered at once. Another example would be last sat, where aft YES 5(which I wasnt there for), I gave Ronald a ring(After I rang Kok Hong) to ask whether I cld join them for dinner at church(I found out that they decided to go to Mc's at Japanese Garden instead). Phileo was back together! Again I had forgotten til I realized that nth abt Phileo was mentioned thruout the time I was there! Ben's qn(So wht's ur new cell name?) suddenly made me remember that we were no longer 2gether anymore(as a cell). And it felt weird.

During these past 2 weeks,I realized tt old memories were flooding back, some good some bad but irregardless they still gave me a headache(those lapses always do)

I was playing Final Fantasy Tactics Advance,and as some that play the game might know,everytime a crystal is destroyed,Part of Mewt's old memories return and most of them are painful.

So pple out there who still think that having a good memory is a good thing,please also think about wht comes along with that. Bcos,Reality is,there are definitely some things that a person wants to forget but cant. For those who can, they are the few "lucky" ones.

The End

Typing this made me realize that this is my longest post yet.

haha

The match where everything went wrong

today was a relatively good day overall.I would like to once more thank kok hong and ronald for taking the time to come down to see the team play even tho i didnt actually play. today we lost. but the big talking point was that my coach wanted to play. Apparently he's an offically registered player but,nevertheless the other team's coach wasnt happy. But the good thing was,ALL the players were,even those on the other end.

Waiting for my next game which comes in 2 weeks(16 Aug)

Hopefully i will be able to play by then

As I finish typing this. I realize its half past midnight.
goodnight world!

haha

Reflection

As I reflect on what has happened this last few days, i realized a few things.
In this world,there are 3 groups of people you must never get in conflict with. They are your leaders,bosses and your friends. But now as i look back,there are sometimes when i feel regretful bcos some friendships/relationships can never be repaired after they have been broken(ever...)
For me, it's more on the friendship side,but you or myself for that matter may never know how things can turn out.

I also realized that this has been my 3rd post in a week. Just half the total of all posts last year.
Maybe i will end up going into double figures this year. haha.

Confused

Spoke to the"boss" yesterday and it turns out everything i was thinking about and assuming was juz a huge miscommunication. But i have a problem.Now juz when i thot i cld have peace from the issue,it's exactly the opposite.

o man!

I have another name(in addition to my current one)

Quite a while back,I found out that my mum wanted to name me Issac but she read her bible wrong and thot if she did then she would have 2 sacrifice me or something,so she named me Ivan instead. That left me wondering,how different would my life be if my name was Issac? Well O dun have an answer to that but now I have added a unofficial middle name 2 my full name. It used to juz be Ivan Lim,now pple can start calling me Ivan Issac. Hehe. But pls, juz Ivan will be fine.

I'm back to work after slacking for almost half a year, and for the 1st time in my 1st 10 days i actually feel stressed. Can u believe that? Stress for a person who has been doing close to nth for the past 5-6 mths!

So sian! Stressed at work but suddenly i find hm so boring. A place that has been my nest/shell is suddenly boring. Even i'm surprised.

Life is so strange!

In love(again?)

I think I'm in love. I think of her every night and remember how much I missed her when she was away. I told her I cloudn't sleep bcos I was thinking.... so she asked what I was thinking about and I juz stoned. I mean... how do u expect me 2 say(I cldnt slp bcos I was thinking abt u) Besides I think she oredi has some1 else.
What 2 do?

O God what to do?

confused and sleepless nights

(thinking of u always)

the kind of sickness I would get"once in 10years"

8 May

Had a fever 2day but I didnt know until in class.Jie said this was the kind of sickness I would get"once in 10years" Mum granted me a 1 day break.

9 May

2day has not been good, highest temp 39.6.keep sweating oso.

5plus

the thermometer is screwed,cant measure my temp properly,still sweating plus bodyaches ,even when coughing:(. went to the clinic at 11 pm plus.

11plus

Finally got my temp right(38 degrees). Doc gives me medicine plus a whole bunch of vitamin c tabs to suck. Plus 2 days of mc til friday

Saturday

Not going 2 British Council 2day but still sweating lyk crazy n the sweat is dry too.???
The temp has went down though.Thank God.

My official first days at SPD

25 April

Today was my second day as an employee at the Society for the Physically Disabled (Singapore)(SPD).1st 2 days veri lil stress but still very tiring...

This is it 4 2day

Hope all u guys out there had a terrific day!:)

A prince in God's palace

15 April

Yesterday I was baptised:) and now im truly happy bcos something that i tried to dodge 4 sooooooooooo looooooooooooong has finally been done.And I have peace now noeing that my place is secure in the kingdom of God.:)

I noe a change is coming but dunno when.But still waiting paitently.

Epilepsy strikes again:(

9th Feb

It's going to be short today.

Today I had a fit(Readers,I have epilepsy).Not feelng very good.

Hooray!

7 Feb

The hiccups are really gone! But I still have problems eating and drinking. everytime i do so,throat so pain im yelling blue murder.What's more,everytime I drink,my back aches.My sis says maybe it's flu.

Hiccups

5-6Feb

Monday

Same like any other day.

11:00pm

O man , 1 hour of hiccups and it hasnt stopped

Tuesday

Still hiccupping like crazy,wonder whether I have a bunny inside me.
Mum help me!(in the end she says"Ivan drink warm water".)
My reply?
Doesn't work lah
So she buys Vapodrops.


God help me! hiccups are not going nowhere.

8pm

Dad passes me something that says"look at the screen,whem the 2 blocks reach each other, your hics are gone".
I try it....

Thank God.No more hics

9pm

Oh no!the hiccups are back

11pm

The hics are gone again,I hope they leave for good.